5 Steps To Move Through Rejection
So last week I wrapped up one of my classes for school and the last discussion group was AMAZING. I was really vibing with this crew of six students and wanted to keep connecting. So at the end of our call, I unmuted myself and said:
“Hey all. Today was really fun! If you want to connect further or want to be friends when we’re all back at school together, I’m putting my IG handle in the chat. I’d love to keep the conversation going”
They smiled. They seemed flattered. Some of them even seemed tickled.
I expected a few follows. A couple of DMs. Some questions about my business.
But the hours passed. And then days. And here I am a week later, and no one connected with me.
So because I’m human and we are all wired toward negativity as a means of self-protection to a certain degree, some thoughts pop up about why no one reached out. And this is where we need to be really careful, because these thoughts can be cruel. They can really make us feel bad about ourselves.
Thoughts will always pop up, but we want the thoughts to feel like soapy bubbles happily popping when we slap them between our hands, versus a tidal wave taking over. This tidal wave is what I call a “Story Spiral.”
What is a Story Spiral?
A Story Spiral is when we tell stories about ourselves to ourselves or decide on what certain interactions mean, without knowing whether it’s true or accurate. When we tell stories like this over and over, these negative thoughts become second nature. They calcify into negative beliefs we have about ourselves.
Story Spirals are a catch 22: they can be triggered because of a negative belief we already have about ourselves, and they can also create negative beliefs we have about ourselves.
If I started a Story Spiral in this situation it might’ve sounded like this:
“Wow, I shouldn’t have offered up my contact info like that. They probably thought it was so weird. Maybe I talked too much in the space? I probably shouldn’t have talked about being emotional over the film. Is it weird I told them I was a queer dating coach? Maybe I should’ve given them my personal instagram instead? I don’t want them to think I was plugging my business, I’m just not on my personal account these days. Ugh making friends is hard. I hate putting myself out there.”
Picture those words in the shape of a spiral with a belief at the center. Maybe the center belief would be, “I’m not worthy” or “I’m not lovable” and the outside of the spiral both reaffirms and creates what’s in the center.
Sound familiar?
Thankfully, I’ve figured out systems to help my clients and I move through these moments. Because the more systems we have to move through rejection, and the more ability we have to be able to read what is happening with others in the moment, the more confidence we can have initiating! Look at that!
So! When you find yourself in a Story Spiral, and want to metabolize your initiation rejection another way, take the REINS like this:
- Reality Check
- Empathy
- Integrity Check
- Next Experiment
- Send Gratitude
How to take the reins after an initiation rejection
- Reality Check
Review the facts of the situation. What went down?
I offered up my business instagram handle up to a group of people I don’t know well, gently stating my intention to connect further, and no one followed me.
2. Empathy
What might be going on for them that has nothing to do with you? How do you feel about others when you say “no”? When it’s hard to shake a feeling of rejection, it might be helpful to step into their shoes and contextualize their “no” in a way that keeps us feeling good about ourselves! We never know what is happening in someone else’s world, so if our tendency is to Story Spiral, we might as well make it a story we like!
It’s the end of the semester, we’re all swamped with work. They might have been focusing on the logistics of the paper. The zoom chat ended and the chat was gone. I didn’t put my handle in our shared google doc. I often do not have the space for new friendships and yet feel flattered when people ask!
3. Integrity Check
Were you acting with integrity to your values? Were you treating others the way you appreciate being treated?
I did feel I was acting with integrity. I was generous with my affirmations, I was open, and transparent about what it was that I was looking for. Would I have appreciated this exchange on the other end? Appreciate, yes. But I also might not have felt *special*. I might not have known whether this person was talking to me specifically. I might not have known if she really wanted me to reach out or someone else. Hrm…
4. Next Experiment
In focusing on what you want and how you went about it, what might you try next time? Is there anything you want to adjust for the future? Think about your personal values here and how you might double down on them. If we typically only “shoot our shot” one time with someone, it’s best we do it in a way that really represents us!
How might I be more kind, generous, and transparent when I am initiating a connection even with friends? I wanted to connect with two out of the six people in particular. Next time I think I’ll get in touch with those folks in a way that is more personal and lets them know what about them specifically made me want to continue the conversation!
5. Send Gratitude!
What can you be grateful for? Always a good reminder for check ins!
Thanks to the folks I had an amazing conversation with. Thanks to the teacher for setting up a badass ciriculum where conversations like this can take place. Thanks to the folks in my group who honored their own personal boundaries. I’m grateful I’m not fostering non-enthusiastic friendships!
So next time you find yourself being taken over by a story spiral that feels like a tidal wave, take the REINS instead! (I think I need to hire a metaphor consultant…)
