Follower q: “How do you assertively ask someone out when only recently coming out?”
First, a little rant.
I get this question quite a bit, and I understand it completely.
We want scripts. We want something fool-proof. We want something with a proven success rate so that putting ourselves out there doesn’t have a risk. It doesn’t feel so scary. In a world that isn’t binary, sometimes we crave things to be black and white.
And honestly, that’s what blogs are good for. It’s good for the quick fix. For a fast download. For the “this is the one way to do it!”
But any information we consume on the internet is also contextless. Sure, some truths round these parts can be universal, but it’s advice that doesn’t get to know you. It isn’t related to your experience. There is a lack of nuance.
Last week I got asked this title question via DM. I decided instead of broad strokes advice, I would coach this person a bit.
While change can sometimes start with an idea that you read, it needs to be personalized. It needs to be internalized. It needs to be combined with every aspect of who you are.
So we slowed down together. We had a conversation. I asked them questions and follow up questions like, “Have you initiated in the past?” “How?” “What was that like?” “What’s different?” “Is there someone in particular you want to ask out now?”
I understood a bit more about their story and which part of initiating feels most challenging, so we could tailor this answer to their specific situation.
Because ultimately, there is only so much work that can happen from consuming on the internet. Only so much that can happen removed from community. Removed from a back and forth conversation. I can only encourage you to look inward for the brief moment you see my blogs or newsletters. The real work to create a dating life that feels light, empowering, and full of possibility has to be interactive, has to happen offline, and you don’t have to go at it alone.
To get you started…
But like I said, the internet can be a start.
So if you’re someone who is thinking, “Blah blah blah I just clicked just for the ~advice~,” here’s what I have for you:
Approach people the way you’d want to be approached.
That’s it. Lead from your values and the way you hope others feel around you. No one technique/line/skill will work for everyone and it shouldn’t!
Because the thing with initiating, like so many other aspects of dating, is that it deeply personal and should be an expression of authentic you. While my programs involve teaching via video lessons, that’s what the coaching portion aims to unearth.
So, if you choose not to work together at this time, I encourage you to do a little self coaching. Ask yourself, “How would I want someone to come up to me?” “What would I want them to talk about or say first?”
Start there.
P.S- I realize this post might be a bit frustrating, but if someone is able to give you an exact script of what to say every time, I would encourage you to really be suspicious of that! Those “tools” might be based in psychological manipulation or uphold gender roles. A script, removed from you, encourages you to act like someone else. To that I say, not around these parts!
If you want help figuring out what that kind of initiation might look like on you specifically, check out the details of my six-week group coaching program, Date Better Bootcamp. That’s where I’d work with you, and a group of likeminded LGBTQIA+ folks, to help all of us date better, in a way that’s born from our desires. Born from how we like to connect. Born from our authentic selves. Applications close this Friday night, 10/15 at midnight.
