Ask Ariella: How and when to talk about asexuality?

The cover of the book “Ace” by Angela Chen

Ariella,

I am a sex-indifferent asexual who has been dating and identifying as ace for 11 years now. I have never been comfortable starting sexual activities; I am okay with physical touches like hugs and cuddles. However, I have found that even if I tell people I am ace up front, they still try to pressure sex on me. How early into dating do I tell a person of my asexual? How do I have conversation with them about their desired/needed sexual activity frequencies? I feel like I do this as best I can and yet endless get people who think they can “fix” me or “convince me to enjoy it.”

— Frustrated and Lonely in USA

  1. If you are disclosing on your dating app profile, share more specifics about what asexuality means for you or what type of relationship you’re looking for. Allow people to get a sense of what you do want, versus people assuming what you don’t want from a label that means different things to different people.
  2. If you are disclosing in person, have this conversation before someone “makes a move”. If you wait until after someone tries to kiss you, for example, that probably doesn’t set up the conversation for success. Too many desires and emotions might already be present for both of you. I’d experiment with sharing this information before sex is even remotely on the table. (Since we live in an allonormative world, sex is often assumed to be on the table pretty immediately.)
  3. After you share, if you have space for it, it could be nice to offer the other person to ask you questions and vise versa! In this part of the conversation you can also be really clear about what you’ve experienced in the past and how that doesn’t work for you. Ex- “In the past, after I shared this information, people have still tried to pressure me to have sex. That makes me uncomfortable and is a really hard boundary for me.” You can also ask, “What’s your relationship to sex like?” and alternative relationship orientations (ex- non monogamy) if that’s something you’re interested in.
  4. Be clear about what it is that you do like and enjoy! If intimacy and romance are on the table, share what is on the table!
  5. Talk up the great things about aceness! (And if you yourself don’t know what’s awesome about being ace, check out the resources in the next bullet point).
  6. Encourage this other person to check out ace resources and learn more on their own if they are interested in getting to know you better. (Angela Chen’s book “Ace”, and the IGs @asexualmemes.tiktok @cdaigleorians are some places to start!)

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Ariella is a Queer Dating Coach who helps kind, queer folks navigate the dating pool, so they have the courage to go after what they want in dating and in life.

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Queer Dating Coach, Ariella Serur

Ariella is a Queer Dating Coach who helps kind, queer folks navigate the dating pool, so they have the courage to go after what they want in dating and in life.