Dating During COVID
People often ask me, “Why date during COVID?”
And as I listen to a newish person I’m seeing strumming a guitar next to me*, my gut reaction is, “Why not?” (*We are podded and get tested often.)
Quick disclaimer: there are many legitimate reasons to not be dating during the pandemic and during life in general. For example, if you are trying to get a handle on your mental health and are still in the process of establishing the support system you need, dating might not be for you right now. And that’s okay!
Ultimately, only you will know if you’re in a place to meet people, but I’d like to address the two barriers to dating during COVID that come up most often. Keep in mind this context as you read: these concepts come up with clients who, by and large, do actually want to date and feel ready to date.
Okay, let’s dive in.
“I’m a mess right now.”
For those of you that feel too messy/in process/amidst transitions to connect with others, listen up!
Navigating career pivots, being in transition, moving back in with your folks, etc., does not mean you can’t date.
It means you’re human.
It means you have been affected by the pandemic and 2020, like we all have.
You do not need to wait for personal “perfection” in order to put yourself out there and draw people in.
Plus, didn’t we tell friends we were all over the place before this began? And aren’t we always amidst transitions?
I, too, have considered myself to be a mess over the past ten months but I have established the support network I need.
And so, I date.
But I date responsibly.
In my book, there are two main actions to hold onto when you want to date, but don’t feel like your total best self. Heads up: they must work together, not individually.
- Communicate with transparency about where you’re at.
When interacting with new folks, tell them what you’re looking for, what you have space for, and where you are at in your personal life. It is okay to let someone know you just moved back in with your folks! It’s okay to say you’re unemployed and on the hunt for what’s next for you! It’s okay to communicate that your heart is still hurting from your break up and that you’re only have space for friends with benefits right now! And then you can keep them in the loop if those things shift.
I stay as transparent and communicative as possible from the get go. This way people can fully consent to what they’re engaging with.
2. Continue to give yourself what you need, outside of new relationships.
It can be very tempting to start really leaning on new people in our lives, especially if they are our main source of physical or emotional intimacy. In early stages of dating, especially amidst major transitions, we need to work against that impulse. We must continue to meet our own needs and lean on the folks we have always leaned on (i.e therapists, close friends, family).
If we want to date new people while we are *in process*, that’s totally okay! We can talk about our work with them, if that feels good, but we cannot bring them on as a co-navigator. That’s our individual work, baby! (For example, you can tell them you’re looking for a new apartment so you aren’t living with your folks for long, but do not enlist their help.)
This is the cleanest way to form new attachments while processing something: keep the two separate for now. If they join us in the driver’s seat too soon, we may establish a relationship dynamic where we look for this other person to solve our problems or sufficiently distract us from them. Though this may feel good in the short term, it will not serve us down the line.
In early connections I really focus on not restructuring who I rely on for support. If I feel like I’m leaning too much on the newest addition in my life, I communicate that to them, and take my foot off the gas pedal a bit; I call a close friend instead.
I’ve found these keys to be paramount in dating amidst the rollercoaster that 2020-early 2021 has been, because I have an inkling that this isn’t so much a pandemic rollercoaster, it is life’s.
“I’m not dating because in person hangs feel too scary during COVID.”
COVID continues to impact our comfort levels hanging out with other folks in person.
So what can we do about that?
Well, first, I want to examine what we mean by dating.
To me “dating” is a verb, yes, but more so, dating is an energetic feeling of possibility and curiosity.
It does not just mean “I am going on dates”, dating means, “I am open to finding future dates/friendship in the folks I’m coming into contact with.”
So let me simplify: dating is an openness to connection.
If in person hangs feel outside of your personal comfort zone at a given moment, dating can mean showing up to virtual spaces both generous with the information you share about yourself, and genuinely interested to learn about others.
It can mean letting your eye contact linger with the cashier at CVS and exchanging Instagram handles.
It’s a sense of, “What might we find here between us?”
It is not a dismissive, *already knowing* what you’ll get from your interactions. Instead, it is being curious as hell to find out.
So try that on, does it feel possible to date during COVID even if you can’t go on in person dates?
In my experience, I have had incredibly intimate exchanges during the pandemic that happened through messages, clubhouse, zoom, etc., that felt as fulfilling as in person dates. Where both of us, or all of us, showed up with presence to see each other, and see what there is to learn. To feel things out and see where they go. (And on occasion it even got sexy! ;) )
If you want to connect with other people, but don’t want to see people in person, that is totally okay. And more than being just okay, it is also incredibly possible. Our need for connection can still be satiated.
Dating is a practice of going after what we want, while prioritizing our boundaries and the boundaries of others. It is communicating with transparency. And the beautiful thing about connecting to other folks during this time is that we all expect to be having more serious conversations from the get go, especially as far as physical boundaries are concerned. So know your truth and stick to it. You are not alone.
I think it’s best to see dating as a dance of, “Am I open to this or am I closed off right now?” We do not need to be dating all of the time, even I take (admittedly, very occasional) breaks.
But when we are feeling open, I’m urging you away from seeking partnership so you can “find your person”, and toward cultivating the feeling of dating so you can make connections and learn from others regardless of how long or how short your paths might intertwine.
And next time you find yourself asking, “Why should I be dating right now?” Maybe the real question is, “Why not?”
Because I can tell you, as someone who considers myself in both categories, feeling like a mess and constantly navigating anxieties around seeing folks in person, I’m currently dating. And I’m loving it.
If you understand “why to date during COVID” and need help with the “how”, shoot me a message and let’s chat!
